boys

Am i broken? I can't tell anymore if i like a boy or just like their attention. And when they give me special singled out attention i can no longer just go with the flow and enjoy it. I have this unhealthy need to categorize the attention they give me right away into categories in my mind, friend, meaningless flirting, or potential romance. why do i do that? is it a self preservation mechanism? What do i do? How did i get this way? I think it comes from being a "back burner" girl for so long i can't just let things be. I did let things be and i got burned and used. Back burner girl is the worst position to hold, the friend the cuddle buddy the shoulder to cry on, the entertainer, the listener, supporter and best friend. till someone "better" comes along. One too many times for me and now i am a little bitter and leery to trust. What do i do? Matt and Liz say be forward, upfront and to the point. This approach makes the most sense to me. Being forward lately has saved me a lot of time and drama i think. I don't want to hang in the "gray zone" of are we friends? or more? for too long. I don't play hard to get very well. I say what i think. But if i am forward "Date me, Choose Me, Love me!" (sorry couldn't help quoting Grey's anatomy) then doesn't that break the sacred rules presented in the "He's Just Not That Into You" book? If they really are interested won't they tell me? Lately i assume rejection right when the fun attention starts. This could easily mess up the possibility of good things even happening. Assuming rejection means i shut down and leave these boys alone having assumed things that probably haven't even been decided, or are just starting.
And there is Star's theory. All girls are cheap and easy when it comes to boy attention. Am i won over just by a flirting moment, a call to talk, a good night of laughing? Are these boys even what i want, or am i enchanted by the rare attention? A friend told me that any boy is lucky to hang out with me, and not me feeling lucky and waiting to hang out with him. I think we as girls quickly forget we are catches too. I know i do. I somehow always leave the ball in the boy's court. When i really play any sport involving a ball i am a ball hog. Ask my friends from 2nd grade and Four Square. So why do i let the boys have it when dating?
I am having a Carrie Bradshaw type blog today questioning myself and my relationship patterns. i don't really now how i got here or why i feel all these things. All i know is that since i have moved here i have felt that i have been standing right in front of amazing boys waving my hands frantically pointing to myself saying "something fun and wonderful is right here" and i remain invisible. I look at a few of my friends, and i can see them waving frantically too, also unseen. Not frantic to get married and have lots of babies just yet, but ready and willing to try a healthy adult relationship for once. There is no one to blame for all these feelings and thoughts, no one but maybe myself and my attitude. Am i once bitten twice shy? Or is this a deeper emotional dysfunction brewing?