THE SIDE KICK- I AM NOT THAT GIRL

" i will not be a side kick," said a friend of mine last night as we drove in the slushy rain to visit more of our married friends. The both of us had just been introduced to the new lady friend of one of our dearest guy friends. a boy we grew up with. This lady friend was lovely, long blond hair, perfect smile, and she fit on his arm so nicely. This a few weeks after a wedding where another dear friend married a girl who looked lovely on his arm. these boys i have known for years, and even dated one in high school. They are both very happy couples. yet being single girls in our mid to late twenties we had no choice but to unhealthily compare ourselves to these girls. its involuntary at times, the way girls compare. so we did.

i realized when one of the above-mentioned boys got engaged that i was the opposite of what he wanted. he is a charming funny boy who always creates and absorbs smiles and chatter in the room. He seemed to know something about everything. he could be so funny, he could be so strong and faithful. he needed and wanted someone to support him and stand by him to laugh at his witty conversation and jokes. a girl who would let him get the attention he always had, and help hold the spotlight on him. he was the superhero, she is the sidekick. the "arthur" if you will. someone who just helped him shine brighter with just a quiet smile and linked arms. as i realized this i had a moment of clarity and closure and happiness for him.

"i'm not that girl" to quote elphaba. its not in me to be the sidekick girl. not that it is bad at all, because obviously it does work so very well for a lot of girls. i will admit and this is not shocking for those who have actually hung out with me in social settings, and are my non-internet based friends, I LOVE THE SPOTLIGHT. i crave it. i love being the center of attention, i love telling the stories and the jokes that make people laugh. i am happiest when i am surrounded by my darling dearest friends talking out if turn and laughing the night away. i am loud and sometimes blunt. i say shocking things at times. things mormon girls shouldnt say on occasion. i talk to strangers in the check out line. i make friends on the bus. i am not a quiet attentive person. i change channels in my brain and conversation the way a scan button works on the radio. i am not an arthur, a duckie, a disney princess (i wouldnt fit in the dresses anyway) EXCEPT BELLE ANDE MULAN, they speak up. like glenda the good witch or sharpay from HSM, i like to be liked. yeah you can mock me cause i mentioned HSM. go ahead.

so i dont know what that means for my future mr dream man. does that mean he will have to be a sidekick? or can i co-exist with a boy who is like me? i cannot say. do i turn away boys because i am overly out going? a few friends tol me i do. should i tone it down and play along? i say no way. i am happy in the end of all this comparing, because i really love who i am. and i am learning to be secure with what i am daily trying to be, my own superhero. i am trying everyday to take my short comings, my insecurities, the things that make me feel green, and put them to good use. and comparing with others in the end, just keeps me down.

until then:

its time to trust my instincts close my eyes and leap! its time to try defying gravity!

somethings i cannot change but till i try i'll never know!

and if i am flying solo at least i am flying free

to those who ground me take a message back from me

tell them i am defying gravity.

time to bust out with my toe socks

Its autumn time. it kicked in this weekend. i love this time of year because that means its time for white chocolate and pumpkin spice hot cocoa at starbucks, good TV with new episodes, and my birthday is coming!! Now if it could just stay this way. i am not ready for any kind of snow, and i never am ready for utah snow. I like just how it is now. hoody season i call it.

so kids are you sitting down for this? here comes the weight update. i am up .5lbs. yikes i know. what did i do wrong? i worked out more and tried to drink more water!! i dont know what to tell you all, it happens, .5lbs happen. there i said it. now upon stepping on the scale and reading those ugly red digital numbers i could have done one of two things. 1-give up, dust off the winter mu-mu, crawl under the covers with a tube of cookie dough and watch hannah montana, or 2- dust of my vest, stick out my chest and be off to the races again. i chose #2. so i walked to the bus, then up the hill to work, and have consumed twice as much water, made an effort to include more veggies and will plan on working out tonight. tonight's work out, if its still rainy i will put on the dancing with the stars salsa work out video. mock me all you want. its fun and i will fight you all during my awesome ball change if i have to.

so will i partake of the half dark half white hot chocolate with pumpkin spice added and whipped cream and cinnamon sprinkles anytime soon??? NO DICE!! will i try one of elise's peanut butter chocolate bars at her "THE OFFICE" party thursday night? yes i will, and i will save all the points i can to make that happen.

weigh in this morning. no change from last week, i weigh the exact same. this is no shock because i didn't exercise at all so it is expected, and the weekend had many cheating opportunities to which i succumbed once or twice. so i am at peace with this, but know to work on upping my exercise this week.

this week i had another chat with my friend who is trying to stay in the cage herself. we talked about the "ideal guy". we didn't see eye to eye on this. see i realized something when i started weight watchers a year ago. i realized and decided that i will never be a size 4. its just not in my making. i am working hard at losing weight, but not to be tiny. i just want to be healthy and happy. honestly just being down 2 dress sizes is a major accomplishment, so when i can fit in to regular jeans that don't involve a special clothing section in the store most of me will be happy. i have no desire to be a size 4 either. what size i want to be stems from my years of devotion to any and all rock Hudson and Doris day movies.

I love all rock Hudson and Doris day movies, they are charming, classic, funny and racey. my ideal guy and my ideal self come from one simple scene in the film "lover come back". Doris Day and Rock Hudson wake up after a night of being unknowingly intoxicated to find themselves in bed together and with a marriage license on the night stand. shocking i know. the best part of this scene is that rock Hudson is wearing his pajama pants and Doris his pajama tops. that is dramatically romantic and from my first moment seeing this, alli want is to be able to fit into the pajama tops of my ideal boy, and he in the bottoms. this isn't far-fetched or unreachable at all. i think it is very reasonable and could and will happen. even now as i am, as is, when i am looking at boys i think of this goal, would i fit in his PJ top?or would it be so tight that the buttons are strained and i look lumpy and uncomfortable instead of cute, cozy and happy. its where i draw the line. there are plenty of boys who are dreamy and charming who's pajamas are too small for me. i don't care really. how awkward and weird if i were this giant big girl next to a scrawny boy. no dice. i really don't even harbor the thought of a boy smaller than me very long, because if i cant fit into one of his PJ tops or shirts i am not interested. is that vain? harsh?weird? tell me because i find this little Doris day rock Hudson day dream to be perfectly applicable and legitimate to me.

insomnia

i used to work for the post office. i didnt deliver mail or anything, i worked in the remote encoding center reading and typing inward and outward addresses and zip codes. when i started working there the only available shift that gave me sundays off was a night shift. i would go to work at 3pm and i depending on mail volume i would get off work between 1130pm and 130am. so you can imagine that i became very nocturnal. i worked there with my bestfriend. we'd get home from work and stay up even later eating dinner, and hanging out. it got to the point of us getting to bed at 4am and waking up at noon. i know this is disgusting looking back, but at the time it worked for us. and there was a 24 hour super walmart across the street from us, so there 2am walmart runs were a tradition. this was about 2 years ago. i dont think my body has fully recovered really. i get these phases of insomnia where i am wide awake with nothing to do till about 4 am.

i have officially run out of things to do this week, during this phase of insomnia. i get this way about every other month for about a week or so. i have read all the twilight series, i have given myself full Mani's and pedi's, i have ironed all my sunday dresses, i have re-read a lot of the books on my shelf, i have read the good word, and the next lessons and reading assignments for church. i have written my missionary friends. yes i still have those even though i am almost 27 i have a few lil buddies out on missions. i have surfed the internet, watched gone with the wind. i have done everything that i can possibly due without waking my roommate. there are 2 things however that i have not done, no matter how tempted i have been. i have not done the LT or LD- the lonely text, or lonely dial. for those of you who know me this is a big deal because i really dont like to be left alone to my own thoughts. in the past when these bouts of insomnia have ensued i have called or texted boys in a moment of weakness who i have officially phased out in the past. i have yet to do this this run. and i havent wandered the kitchen out of boredom. this is another great accomplishment because boredom eating can be very bad. in my effort to work on my eating habits and figure i feel like this is a small victory because boredom eating a long with comfort eating are definite weapons from the opposition. so far this week jeddah 1, obesity 0.

private school girl

its been a week since i started my weight loss blog. i woke up this morning and was ready to face the scale as i weighed in. i had no regrets, minus a cookie or 2 last night that i ate for comfort and peace after watching britney's "come back performance" yikes! i stepped up this morning and the scale was my friend. down 2lbs. this is good. nothing major, no "4lb alisha" week or anything. but i felt rewarded and renewed to continue to count calories, each whole wheat tortillas ( which honestly goes against all that is true in the world but i am dealing with it) and keep the pedometer on. this put me in a good mood, i wrote it down in my tracker and got on the bus. i am reading a few books about weight loss also to gain more insight as i go. one of the exercises this book has me do is to try and trace my relationship with food as far back as i can. this was difficult being that every human has had a relationship with food since the womb, but i can pin point when mine became unhealthy. as a part of this exercise i want to share it all with you.

my father is a teacher at a private school in albuquerque. my older brother attended this school as well. in the middle of 5th grade my parents asked and me if i wanted to go there too. i didnt think about it and said "sure". i didnt think of how i would leave all my elementary school friends behind and honestly be alone for the 1st time in my life. so i took the 3 hour entrance test, and did the 2 interviews and was accepted. i remember how happy my parents were about it, and i really still didnt give it much thought. then the fall came, and all my friends from church and the neighborhood made their way to the bus stop, while i got in the car and rode with my dad to the albuquerque academy campus.

i would come home from school everyday starving. i was so far beyond even sight of my comfort zone going to that school that i think i was in emotional shock. i remember aching to see my dad or older brother on campus which rarely happened. i felt so very alone. the lunches there were hot meals, and they had "family style dining" which meant you sat at a table with 7 others and a teacher, assigned seats and cleared and washed the table. we had real dishes with the crest of our school on each plate. i had no choice for food, i remember i would just eat saltines. one of my teachers noticed and actually called my parents worried. i starve till i got home from school where i found my comfort zone and i would eat. i would find whatever i could that would make me feel better and accepted.

it wasnt that the school was horrible, it was just so very foreign to me. i had no one there i knew at all. i was surrounded by kids i had never met in my life while all my church friends had all gone to the same middle school. i was suddenly not accepted. i was a "teacher's kid" which meant i was there on financial aid and i was the only lds girl. i remember how shocked kids were when i told them i was one of five kids, "thats way too many brothers and sisters" they'd say. so i absorbed all this, kept locked up all day and tried to fit in. it was pointless really i mean i was surrounded by a world that is so different than my own, so full of money, bar mitzfas and debutant balls and "privilege". this all was so much for me that now looking back i can see that would eat for comfort. thats how it started. i ate away the stress and shock. and the food was there, and accepted me when others didnt. and thats when my relationship with food became unhealthy. i was using food for comfort and void-filling, and as those awkward puberty years continued and my mother's health was deteriorating drastically, the food was always there. this is starting to sound like a sob story but it isnt. its just my relationship with food.

i wouldnt change my education at the academy for anything. it is so much a part of who i am and i cherish it so dearly now. the friendships i made there are still strong, the opportunities i had through that school were endless, and the diversity i experienced is really priceless. it was those first few years of transition when i felt so lost that started this whole food drama.

so now years later, a ton of trials under my belt, comfort food is still my weakness. so i retrain myself. a good movie, a bubble bath, a crossword, a new cd- this can all be comfort. a good walk, or a good chat with a friend. all replacements for Dions pizza or chex mix. i do still have moments of weakness, but overall i can see now when i start to do it, and i can stop.

highs and lows

its just down right hilarious that the week i kick off my blog "busting a cap on fatness" Aunt Flo comes to visit. While she visits we find in her suitcases, the intense chocolate cravings, the emotional roller coaster moments, and exhaustion. Did jeddah use this as an excuse to put on the mu-mu and give up and order a "reaching stick"online so she can permanently reside on star's couch? "we're sorry your fingers are to fat to dial the intended phone number, to order a dialing wand please pound the number pad with your fist"- the simpsons. NO, it wasn't gonna be me. of course i wore the mu-mu though the other day its just so cute. I walked over 10,000steps a day, and worked really hard at drinking my 8 glasses of water. i also have kept my diet coke levels lower, limiting my intake. I will weigh myself again on monday when it has been a week to keep up with my weight watcher regimen. Highs this week........ going to olive garden and surrounded by complex carbs and dessert menus i stayed strong, ordered the minestrone soup and salad and had 3 breaksticks. i know 3 is kinda a lot, but next time you go to the "Denny's of Italian Food" my friend calls it, you try keeping your breadstick intake under 3 thank you very much. low moment of the week- the already-mentioned visit of Aunt Flo although i knew she was coming, there is no way to prepare yourself for her week of haunting and following your every move.

plus size princess

Time to update the weight loss effort, today will be bridget jones style, recapping yesterdays stats

sept 5 2007
diet coke units: 2 bottles from a 6 pack
weight: none of your business
exercise: spiritual went to institute class
weight watchers daily goals: was 2 points under the daily allotment. ah yeah

to add to the wonderment that is my blog i would like to start another tradition, which i will call "the weekly fat girl moment". lets kick it off. saturday i went with some friends up to Swiss days in midway, ut. this was a huge arts and crafts festival that also featured yodeling and deep-fried scones covered in honey. as we strolled(post scone eating) up and down the booths of frilly arts and crafts that all looked like on massive enrichment night activity i saw a costume booth. i thought, hey this could be fun, halloween is around the corner. the lady working the booth was dressed like snow white. so i approached her and asked "do you have plus size princess dresses?" to which she looked and me and made a face i couldnt understand and was kinda rude as she replied "No." and then her co-worker looked at me and said in an apologetic tone "we have plus size poodle skirts". wow, i laughed out loud. it was funny, and i said "i guess plus size girls dont get to be princesses" to which neither replied. but i can fit into a skirt that is named after a dog. it was all very comical, and yet kinda sad, i cant be a princess. eh, its ok, the only one of those princesses that has an independent thought is belle and mulan who is my favorite got shafted on the whole try outs for the varsity disney princess team. those princesses probably all wear enchanted and magical push up bras anyway.

in the cage

i have this friend who is in this seeing/hanging out with/fooling around with/gray area type situation with a boy. its all very complicated as those gray areas always are. in the midst of this dating backdrop in her life she is trying to lose a few pounds. nothing major, just like 10-20 lbs. she told me last week that this boy in her life knows her weight loss goal and in an effort to support her he told her he would not fully commit to their dating situation till she reached her weight loss goal. now people i know your first response is to dry heave in shock and disgust, please know that there is a lot more involved in their situation and it is not that simple or shallow. but when she said this, i took this fact beyond personal. and clouding my own feelings in with trying to be a supportive friend i wigged out. i said to her, "so what he is saying, is that you and i do not deserve to be loved, held, touched or happy because we are overweight!!!" and man did this cause me stress. when i moved here 3 years ago i still believed what my parents and friends told me. someday a boy would love me regardless of my size or appearance, he would love me just as i am and it will be amazing. i clung to this hope my whole adult life. this single ray of hope instilled in me by a great support circle has began to fade immensely upon my arrival to utah. was i overweight back home in new mexico?yes. did i wear control top panty hose in new mexico?yes. did i go out on dates regularly in new mexico. yes. then why is it different here? i dont know. but it frustrates me. as i have talked with friends who have loved and lost, and dated and have eaten good food too, we are at a loss. there is one common denominator in our discussion. it really must be a size thing. as often as i hear this conclusion, i clung tighter to my false hope of "one day" my liberal non-conformist high school education told me to refuse to copy everyone else and be a cookie cutter girl. i am at a loss 3 years later. i am not bitter towards utah, i am so blessed to be here, and to have gained the experiences i needed here. but i can see no other explanation as to why i collect guy friends like stamps or shot glasses and none date me. no one has seemed to notice that i have already conformed by 30 lbs of weight loss, but whatever. right now i give up, i fully will begin to conform. if it really is true, that i must be a certain size to find fun and to date, then so be it. i will eat applesauce cups and sugar free pop cycles from here on out. i will continue to exercise and be in the weight watchers "cage". i can do it, even though still part of me thinks it is sick and wrong to conform. i decided i will blog my highs and lows of this social experiment for you loyal readers. at least weekly. my own little bridget jones diary minus the alcohol unit count and f bombs. i will take my failed relationships and rejections since i've been here and use them as ammunition in my semi-automatic weapon of motivation, and i will bust a cap on obesity. i can do this, i already have been and yet even as i declare this to you i am sad. tracy turnblad and queen latifah always found happiness (moment of silence to think about kissing ll cool j like queen latifah got to) but i am at a loss, when the day is done i think i know that this must be. so regulators mount up to the show down with obesity and her best friend: friday nights with colin firth movies. i am gonna be just like sheena and blog my struggles and triumphs, but i dont have the "cahones" to document for all the world to see, my actual weigh in stats. here goes kids, and because i have shared this will all, i will have to keep it up. now i just need to get a spray tan, bleach my teeth and blonde high lights right?

one of the guys

i have three brothers, so while growing up i watched more Gi joe than my little pony. I watched football and played hotwheels. because i was raised with a lot of boys in the house i am privledged to see with in the male circle of trust i guess. i have always had a lot of friends that are guys, i have many a times been the shoulder to cry on friend listening to their dating drama. these guy friends also always asked me to set them up with my friends. i dont know how i let these "just one of the guys" type friendships form, but i realized yet again this weekend that it isnt all that fun being considered one of the guys. In fact, i really dont like it at all. I accept and have no issue with being in the friend zone with these guys, obviously if that bothered me i wouldnt let myself be in the friend zone. But there have been a few times this past month where i have been hanging out in a co-ed setting where i've realized thats what most of the boys there think of me. And so being included in the guys circle of trust means i feel like i am unseen really, transparent even. like the fact that i am a girl has become invisible. you can have guy friends who still know you are a girl and treat you like one. They can tell you all about the girls they like, but then ask in return about my dating life, they get the door on occasion when we hang out, they watch their crudeness in front of me and so on. they tell me i look nice or notice a new hair cut. i dont think i am being picky really i mean the 3 boys i grew up with treat me like this now, with respect that i am a girl. ( as kids, whole other story) so why cant all guys? and for those of you who know me, there is nothing worse than making me feel invisible.