i have this friend who is in this seeing/hanging out with/fooling around with/gray area type situation with a boy. its all very complicated as those gray areas always are. in the midst of this dating backdrop in her life she is trying to lose a few pounds. nothing major, just like 10-20 lbs. she told me last week that this boy in her life knows her weight loss goal and in an effort to support her he told her he would not fully commit to their dating situation till she reached her weight loss goal. now people i know your first response is to dry heave in shock and disgust, please know that there is a lot more involved in their situation and it is not that simple or shallow. but when she said this, i took this fact beyond personal. and clouding my own feelings in with trying to be a supportive friend i wigged out. i said to her, "so what he is saying, is that you and i do not deserve to be loved, held, touched or happy because we are overweight!!!" and man did this cause me stress. when i moved here 3 years ago i still believed what my parents and friends told me. someday a boy would love me regardless of my size or appearance, he would love me just as i am and it will be amazing. i clung to this hope my whole adult life. this single ray of hope instilled in me by a great support circle has began to fade immensely upon my arrival to utah. was i overweight back home in new mexico?yes. did i wear control top panty hose in new mexico?yes. did i go out on dates regularly in new mexico. yes. then why is it different here? i dont know. but it frustrates me. as i have talked with friends who have loved and lost, and dated and have eaten good food too, we are at a loss. there is one common denominator in our discussion. it really must be a size thing. as often as i hear this conclusion, i clung tighter to my false hope of "one day" my liberal non-conformist high school education told me to refuse to copy everyone else and be a cookie cutter girl. i am at a loss 3 years later. i am not bitter towards utah, i am so blessed to be here, and to have gained the experiences i needed here. but i can see no other explanation as to why i collect guy friends like stamps or shot glasses and none date me. no one has seemed to notice that i have already conformed by 30 lbs of weight loss, but whatever. right now i give up, i fully will begin to conform. if it really is true, that i must be a certain size to find fun and to date, then so be it. i will eat applesauce cups and sugar free pop cycles from here on out. i will continue to exercise and be in the weight watchers "cage". i can do it, even though still part of me thinks it is sick and wrong to conform. i decided i will blog my highs and lows of this social experiment for you loyal readers. at least weekly. my own little bridget jones diary minus the alcohol unit count and f bombs. i will take my failed relationships and rejections since i've been here and use them as ammunition in my semi-automatic weapon of motivation, and i will bust a cap on obesity. i can do this, i already have been and yet even as i declare this to you i am sad. tracy turnblad and queen latifah always found happiness (moment of silence to think about kissing ll cool j like queen latifah got to) but i am at a loss, when the day is done i think i know that this must be. so regulators mount up to the show down with obesity and her best friend: friday nights with colin firth movies. i am gonna be just like sheena and blog my struggles and triumphs, but i dont have the "cahones" to document for all the world to see, my actual weigh in stats. here goes kids, and because i have shared this will all, i will have to keep it up. now i just need to get a spray tan, bleach my teeth and blonde high lights right?
2 comments:
Speaking as a fellow out-of-the-box female who has resisted the blonde bombshell image (to the point of moving OUT of Utah!), I say as long as you keep your shining personality, it doesn't matter what else you do. If it makes you feel better when you weigh less--and you alone--then do it. If you do it for others, you'll have a really hard time. In any case, I'll always love you!
I share your grief, though, as you are well aware. I've been exercising 3x a week and eating well for the majority of the summer in an effort to be more healthy (with boy attention as a potential attractive side benefit) with barely anything to show for it. 'Tis a long, unfortunate road we travel.
Conformity is a slipperily slope - because then you are dating on credit. Just like you have a false sense of money when you use your credit card - when you act like you think "those boys" want you to act, you are using a false sense of attraction. If the relationship progresses, then the bill will become due and the interest will be high and you will be in trouble with that relationship. I have seen this with friends who get divorces - and it seems to be a very typical thing to do in Utah.
In light of that - if the boy cant accept you now who you are, then it isnt worth it in the long run. But the better question is, is it the boy that cant accept you? Or are you not willing to accept yourself until you are in a certain place in your life?
I was the most overweight and had ugly hair and mono when Matt started dating me...you would think that would be a turnoff, but alas, our personalities matched and we got married. So I dont think it is all about looks when it comes down to prince charming :)
But I am interested in reading your blog! And I support you with whatever you want to do :)
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