that hansel he's so hot right now

Dearest blog readers i have a question to pose to all of you. What does it mean to be "hot"? And why does it bother me so when i hear guys say "that chick is so hot,"? I would really like to hear a definition of what it means to be hot. I am learning that the hotness factor is much more important to guys than it is to most girls, at least that is what i have noticed in my day to day interactions. For some reason i hate when people describe other people as being "hot", even though i am guilty myself for using it to describe people. Just the other day i used the word hot to describe Belle (the hottest of the Disney princesses)

I have my guesses as to why i hate the word. It oozes shallowness and emptiness when its used. "Hey jeddah I'll come to your party, will there be any hot girls there?" what does that even mean?! i see all my girl friends as hot in their own ways. So when a guy asks me that i don't even know how to respond. saying "She's hot" is that like saying "I'd tap that?"? cause thats how i interpret it in my mind. So does that mean " does she look like Jessica Alba?" Some people sugar coat it and say "will there be any cute girls there?" I honestly am sitting here thinking about all my girlfriends and how each of them are gorgeous and sexy in their own ways, but is that hot?

the other day i was visiting a friend's church where a young man was speaking about his soon departure on a mission for the LDS church to Brazil. He was talking about the blessings and experiences he would gain from this forthcoming adventure, he ended this thought by saying "and hopefully in return for my service i will get a really hot wife when i get back." what does that even mean? Why did i throw up in my mouth a little bit when he said it? Maybe its because it is such a shallow based on appearance type comment that i know i am excluded from the category of "hot", and i am reminded of this every time someone says it, causing the irritation.before my girlfriends wig out and type comments telling me other wise, i just want to say that honestly i am fully aware that even though i do not know the meaning of hot, i know i am not it.

I am learning that it feels like guys are more worried about hotness that girls are. correct me if i am wrong. I have met boys in my ancient and recent past who i know would take me out of the friend zone if i were only whatever this hot word means. Not that i would want to leave the friend zone with boys who are fixated on things like the H word anyway, but the frustration is there none the less. When i see guys, i don't automatically think "I'd tap that, a.k.a he's hot" boys aren't really cute or handsome till I've talked to them and I've observed if their hearts and minds and wit are sexy. Christian Bale is an exception. I don't know where this blog has taken me just now, but i would just like a definition of hot. to me it is a shallow and empty way to describe someone, but from what i have seen around me "hot" is so hot right now.

and now to copy wendy but on the zune instead of I pod

on the zune "Almost Lover" by a Fine Frenzy

Country roads take me home

I will now answer all the FAQ's about my Thanksgiving trip home this past week. The drive took 12 hours, there was a fatal accident on the Navajo Reservation on the Colorado/New Mexico border that had us stopped on the road for an hour. No worries, Mandy the pilot of this trip had her lap top. 2 episodes of Heroes later we entered New Mexico. Got to the 505 around midnight.

My mom and dad and the 3 dogs (only 2 of which i acknowledge) and Katie had waited up for me. Dad built a fire in the fire place and Katie and i picked up where we had left off the last time i was home, both falling asleep on the couches down stairs watching reality TV.

yes Katie's hair looks way cute blond and short like Victoria beckam.

No she and i did not get matching tattoos. That is TBD at this point. It was discussed very thoroughly but not acted upon.

Cousins included in this year's day of thanks: Cousin Casey and his lady friend Andrea, cousins Seth and Joe. Uncle Carlin and aunt Joyce.

Siblings in attendance- all but David who went to New Jersey with Ally and the dogs. Tim and his little Family of Heather and Ruby came, they did not bring their dogs do to the amount of traffic already in our house over the weekend 2 more German Shepards would have been too much

YES, it snowed basically the entire time. It was magical! but as all New Mexico snow, it melted by noon the next day. But it did cancel the Fall Out Boy concert we were gonna hit at the Santa Ana casino.

No i did not participate in black Friday

My parents did, and got me a Microsoft ZUNE for my birthday, which is named pepito after my 1st car. remember the little while Oldsmobile omega the the 2 ball solid as the gear shifter? he was pepito too. right now playing on the zune? some cat Stevens.

Places i hit while home: old town, ABQ museum, radio shack, circle k, walmart, albertsons, little anitas, one word my friends SOPAPILLAS! and of course DIONS, twice. i know that dions is true

Also we went to the Ancient Egypt traveling exhibit from The British Museum hosted by the Albuquerque Art Museum. It was very crowded that day and instead of tour guides they gave us little phones that told us about each artifact. I got mine stuck in german mode accidentally which was of no help at all.

I stayed at Tim's most nights, which is in the south valley by the Montano LDS church. It is a very cute adobe house off 4th street. Cute neighborhood but wouldnt park my car there and leave it unlocked at all. Just about a block or 2 from the Rio Grande.

Ruby is the cutest baby ever. I got major quality time with her.

yes my entire family wants me to move home as soon as possible. my sister asked me "have you learned what you needed to from Utah yet? have you met that purpose cause its time to come home," leaving me speechless.

Did lunch with dear friend Kelley where we continued the ageless discussion of how all girls are cheap and easy in their own way, along with other great dating debates and drama. guys, dont ask girls to make out via texts ok? just a heads up on that. its tacky.

All and all a great time, fun and magical, some scrabble, and hard core taboo games at my sister's apartment. Erni and i had some fun sat afternoon driving around the 505 to get him a zune too. Everyone is well and it was a really good trip. didnt see any movies, suprise there i know. any other questions?

The Sandias just east of Albuquerque

CANCUN

I would like to announce to all that i have lost all the weight i gained over the summer. I am back to the 30lbs i have lost since i joined weight watchers. I had gained some major pounds during my adventures of the summer.

Lets re-cap

Phase 1- "No one mourns the over-eaters" Road trip to Denver to see "WICKED". Over eating consisted of the tradional road trip twizlers and chex mix, combined with way too much carbonation and dinner at the Olive Garden. Great show. I loved every bit of it.

Phase2-"Cowboy Take me Away" Road trip to my family's cattle ranch in southern Idaho. Once again twizlers, chex mix and diet coke overload. Home cooked meals for 3 days consisting of the staple food- MEAT AND POTATOES

Bonfire 'smore party where we got a little to creative incorporating various name brand chocolate candies into the graham cracker and marshmallow treat. i loved the Reese's smore the best. We also did go to dinner one night in town to a pizza place (my weakness)

Phase 3- "One upon a time in Mexico" International Flights to Cancun, Mexico for 10 days. This overeating consisted of rice and beans are every meal (i love rice and beans) and the family i traveled with are hard core about dessert menus. We ordered off the dessert menu every night. Tamales, sopes, enchaladas, pollo, carne, frijoles, arroz, and tons of tortillas for 10 days!!!! not to mention the virgin pina coladas by the sea as i read "He's just not that in to you" and other great reads. Lets not forget the ridiculously over prices airport cardboard tasting fast food either. I enjoyed more than just the food in Mexico i promise. I went to Merida, and Uxmal and hiked the Mayan ruins. I hug out in the plaza bartering for souvenirs too. Mostly it was walks on the beach and poolside reading, and EATING.

Phase 4- "Mommy and ME" My mother came to visit me for a week while here for her nursing school reunion. Her chums of 30 years and i went out to eat a lot that week. Cine Grill my favorite Italian food place in the SLC, Mexican food, Pizza Factory, to name just a few eateries. Each night we would come home and do the daily crossword puzzle and watch "Law and Order". I did kick her trash at Scrabble one night too.

That is how i ate my way through the summer months. I wont talk about the dark day i stepped on the scale in September. Lets focus on the positive. That weight is gone, and i am back on track and was able to lose 3 lbs this week and it was my birthday too!!!!! i am in the cage. its buckle down time as i head home for the holidays.

keep your hand (and heart) at the level of your eyes

So on occasion i call my sister to talk and while we do so we put on the same movie and watch it together over the phone. This week's movie was "The Phantom Of the Opera". This movie is filled with eye and ear candy for all, amazing sets and cinematography, beautiful elegant costumes and dancing, masquerades and murder. LOVE IT! Calm down, stage version is better of course.

Watching this movie found me revisiting an old debate and opinion i founded upon the film's release. Is it just me or is Raul a bit of a pansy? I would totally choose the Phantom over Raul any day. What does that say about me? Yes i tend to pick the boys with emotional damage and deep issues. The "fixer-upper" types if you will. The Phantom has major deep rooted issues with abandonment, and self worth. And yes these issues have caused a few dramatic incidents involving broken chandeliers, hanging stage hands, and Carlotta singing like a toad. So what!?! He still is beyond dreamy and just needs a little loving.
Raul, is a mama's boy who has never gone with out in his entire fancy french life. Phantom has street cred, and has a void that my love and patience could fill. He just needs some TLC. So the debate is Phantom or Raul? Most of you know my dating history, i have had a few "Phantoms" in my past, none of which could sing or burn down an opera house. But when it comes down to Christine's sad little choice, i pity the fool. I would live in The Phantom's underground liar with him by my own free will and choice. He could write me operas by day and we could have hot cave loving in his swan shaped bed by night. (that just happened! i just said that!!!) We'd go find that evil carnival and help all of the Phantom's deformed friends escape to freedom. We would start some kind of literally underground gang of misfits who sing and write operas and light candles and Box 5 would be our turf. Raul would be left all alone with his fine white horses and girly hair and French countryside estate.

cousin in a coma

I usually don't blog about things of a spiritual nature in any form, but tonight i shared a very touching moment with my cousin Angie. It was a month ago this Saturday that her husband Jeremy was bucked off his horse, while he was holding their 2 year old daughter, up in Idaho on the family ranch. This accident left Jeremy in the ICU in Ogden with a traumatic brain injury. He was in a drug induced coma for 11 days. He had 6 broken ribs, and a bruised lung as well.

Growing up i was very close to Angie. Every summer my family would drive up to Idaho and play for weeks on the family's ranch there. She and i would spend countless hours playing in the barn and exploring all over the farm. When we'd part ways at the end of the summer, we'd always spend the rest of the year writing each other letters using our Lisa Frank stationary. She introduced me to wrangler jeans and Garth Brooks, and i shared all my barbies and Tinkerbell lip gloss with her. As the years went by and we got caught up in our own lives, the letters became less frequent and the friendship and code words we'd shared faded away.

After my LDS mission i took a road trip from Phoenix to The Ranch to see her on her wedding day. We had grown so far apart i didn't even know how she met her husband or any of the details. She was all grown up and starting her own life of which i wasn't really apart of any more. Nor was she a part of mine.We were cousins, and we heard through our parents how each other was doing, but never touched base. We sent each other Christmas cards and photos. We hugged at the family reunion and i held her baby for a photo. But the closeness, gone.

Angie just left my apartment a few minutes ago. She has being living in the on-campus housing at the University of Utah while her husband slowly recovers in the rehab hospital. She has been at his bedside for about a month now. For the month that she has been in Utah with this hardship of a situation we have been in almost daily communication. She has texted me with updates, and i have sent her texts of encouragement to cheer her up. Tonight i made her dinner (My world-renowned Green Chili Enchaladas). Tonight i sat alone with Angie and talked to her for hours. It was just us, like it had been 15 years ago in the Big Red Barn up on the Ranch.

We talked of faith and miracles. She told me with tear-filled eyes about the dozens of tender mercies she and Jeremy had been blessed with. We tried to count the many families we knew who were praying for them. We discussed the many LDS temples world wide that had Jeremy's name on the prayer lists. And there it was, my testimony leaving my lips and entering Angie's heart. A testimony, that i honestly haven't shared in a while because of my own personal struggles this fall, ( none of which were as drastic as a coma) My own spirituality which lately had felt a bit flat-lined had been revived in the simple words Angie and i had exchanged. My cousin and Her husband haven't been to church in ages, and here she was beside me feeling the same awakening. I cherished it. It was a connection that she and i had never had before. I remember now how great if feels to share your faith with others, and to feel edified by what they add to it.

I love my cousin Angie and her family. I am so greatful that her husband will be ok, and that he gets to go home on wednesday.I love that they have been so blessed during this experience, and that i can feel and partake of these tender mercies they have been shown by a loving Heavenly Father.

weight loss update

so i realize that i haven't posted an update for this week, so here it is. the weather has changed and so going walking outside which is my favorite form of exercise isn't an option, that and the perverts come out when the sun sets so i cant really charge up the hill at sugar house park in the dark. i however have been doing really well on diet part of the team known as diet and exercise. i lost 2 lbs last week, which feels great. i love that lil rush when stepping on the scale that you get when the bright red numbers that stare back at you are less then the evil ones you saw last week. so i will stick with it, its gonna be hard because the holiday season approaches, including Halloween which in the child development profession equals lots of cupcakes with plastic spider rings on top. then comes my birthday. then thanksgiving, then Christmas. so i am trying to be strong. i am realizing that when you are on a diet and saving you calories for special occasions, there seems to be a lot more of those then you remember when you ate whatever you wanted. anything could be a special occasion. so keep me in check friends. every so often text me and say "stay away from the cupcake," or "put the candy corns down". good thing they don't have mini eggs this time of year.

ODE TO UTA

i currently am riding the bus to work, for various reasons, none of which are al gore-documentary-influenced. this morning as i was running late and applying my mascara while sitting in the back of the bus, i found myself reminiscing through the many bus adventures i have had while living here in utah. i want to share the by far most funny and awkward bus moment ever.

when i 1st moved to taylorsville i didnt have a car. it was back in new mexico getting the engine re-built. so i rode the bus everyday up redwood road to my job. Being the friendly out going girl that i am i talked and chitsy-chatted with the other peeps at the bus stops. i was eager to make friends having just moved to the area. there was this girl named connie who i met at the bus stop on redwood road and 5600south. she was from missouri and she was working as a pet groomer at petco. she was nice and friendly i thought "sweet, i am making friends!". so we exchanged numbers thinking we could hang out and i could have a social life again.

she texted me all the time. i wasnt too quick to text her back. i got busy and at that point i was always in provo where i had my token byu friends. i felt bad because she always wanted to do stuff and i never really made plans with her.

months went buy with the texting and a few sightings on the bus. christmas was coming and the temple square lights were up. my roommate and i and some friends made plans to have our own lil family home evening and go up to the square to see the twinkle lights. connie sent me a text that day and i felt guilty for never hanging out with her, so i invited her. she was all excited and my roommate was very unenthusiastic that i had given my whereabouts to a bus stop stranger.

connie shows up and walks in. she looks at our jesus art work on the walls and says "are you mormon?", and i said "yes". and she shook her head and looked very stressed. " you guys realize i used to be mormon, up until june?". she says. "no i didnt, but calm down i am not gonna preach at you we are just gonna go look at lights". she simmered down a bit. then liz and our friend steven showed up. i was excited to see steven because it had been 2 years since our last encounter. he was fresh home from his mission. this seemed to distress connie even more, she then says "you guys dont understand, my whole life style is against mormonism." i couldnt figure out why she was wigging out. i was thinking "did this girl used to have a drug problem or something?" it didnt even cross my mind that she could be a lesbian or bisexual. i was thinking crack whore or something. it was around this time that my friends who pointed this all out to me afterwards, began to notice her rainbow necklace, earrings and bracelet, and pin on her bag. i was oblivious. she was beginning to get very uneasy. she then said "hey i'll meet ya there. just text me where you park." she got in her car and drove away even though she said she would follow us and we werent in liz's car yet.

it took me a few minutes to put 2 and 2 together. i had brought home a lesbian who was trying to "hang out" with me. i had no idea. didnt even cross my mind. Man alive did my friends think it was funny. i never heard from her again, not once since she drove away in haste that night. to this day everyone loves to tease me about connie and the awkwardness. i hope where ever she is in the world she is happy and less weirded-out than she was that night. when the day is done it boosts the self esteem a bit, that connie and then a week later a guy from pakistan wanted to date me, all from saying hello to a stranger on the bus.

HOMESICK

look at these pics and try not wanting to bet there. its october. its time to wake up early and look out the window to see what balloons are headed towards the north east heights of town. its time to wake up at 4am, wear 5 layers of clothing, drive being stuck in an hour of traffic to park and walk to the park, spend money on the best breakfast burritos in the world and watch. i think it is the most magical time in albuquerque. the dogs on the other hand hate it, cant handle the noises of the burners. i love it. when we were little we'd wake up early and grab blankets load up the the family chevet and drive to winchells doughnuts, grab a dozen and chase our favorite balloons to watch them land, or try to skip the water of the Rio Grande. and if we were lucky the chase crew would let us help pack the balloon. Once the purple balloon with the yellow pyramid landed across the street from our house. the wells fargo stage coach balloon almost hit the trees in our back yard. i took a ride in the J&B liquor bottle shaped balloon when i was 8. i loved the whole 2 weeks of it; the balloon glow at night and the fireworks, and the special shapes rodeo, i miss it all. The coolest thing about it is that its almost like a secret magical window of time every morning, and if you sleep in till even like 9am, you miss it all. shout out to my happy place, hot cocoa, green chili burritos, and the most photographed event in the world.

THE SIDE KICK- I AM NOT THAT GIRL

" i will not be a side kick," said a friend of mine last night as we drove in the slushy rain to visit more of our married friends. The both of us had just been introduced to the new lady friend of one of our dearest guy friends. a boy we grew up with. This lady friend was lovely, long blond hair, perfect smile, and she fit on his arm so nicely. This a few weeks after a wedding where another dear friend married a girl who looked lovely on his arm. these boys i have known for years, and even dated one in high school. They are both very happy couples. yet being single girls in our mid to late twenties we had no choice but to unhealthily compare ourselves to these girls. its involuntary at times, the way girls compare. so we did.

i realized when one of the above-mentioned boys got engaged that i was the opposite of what he wanted. he is a charming funny boy who always creates and absorbs smiles and chatter in the room. He seemed to know something about everything. he could be so funny, he could be so strong and faithful. he needed and wanted someone to support him and stand by him to laugh at his witty conversation and jokes. a girl who would let him get the attention he always had, and help hold the spotlight on him. he was the superhero, she is the sidekick. the "arthur" if you will. someone who just helped him shine brighter with just a quiet smile and linked arms. as i realized this i had a moment of clarity and closure and happiness for him.

"i'm not that girl" to quote elphaba. its not in me to be the sidekick girl. not that it is bad at all, because obviously it does work so very well for a lot of girls. i will admit and this is not shocking for those who have actually hung out with me in social settings, and are my non-internet based friends, I LOVE THE SPOTLIGHT. i crave it. i love being the center of attention, i love telling the stories and the jokes that make people laugh. i am happiest when i am surrounded by my darling dearest friends talking out if turn and laughing the night away. i am loud and sometimes blunt. i say shocking things at times. things mormon girls shouldnt say on occasion. i talk to strangers in the check out line. i make friends on the bus. i am not a quiet attentive person. i change channels in my brain and conversation the way a scan button works on the radio. i am not an arthur, a duckie, a disney princess (i wouldnt fit in the dresses anyway) EXCEPT BELLE ANDE MULAN, they speak up. like glenda the good witch or sharpay from HSM, i like to be liked. yeah you can mock me cause i mentioned HSM. go ahead.

so i dont know what that means for my future mr dream man. does that mean he will have to be a sidekick? or can i co-exist with a boy who is like me? i cannot say. do i turn away boys because i am overly out going? a few friends tol me i do. should i tone it down and play along? i say no way. i am happy in the end of all this comparing, because i really love who i am. and i am learning to be secure with what i am daily trying to be, my own superhero. i am trying everyday to take my short comings, my insecurities, the things that make me feel green, and put them to good use. and comparing with others in the end, just keeps me down.

until then:

its time to trust my instincts close my eyes and leap! its time to try defying gravity!

somethings i cannot change but till i try i'll never know!

and if i am flying solo at least i am flying free

to those who ground me take a message back from me

tell them i am defying gravity.

time to bust out with my toe socks

Its autumn time. it kicked in this weekend. i love this time of year because that means its time for white chocolate and pumpkin spice hot cocoa at starbucks, good TV with new episodes, and my birthday is coming!! Now if it could just stay this way. i am not ready for any kind of snow, and i never am ready for utah snow. I like just how it is now. hoody season i call it.

so kids are you sitting down for this? here comes the weight update. i am up .5lbs. yikes i know. what did i do wrong? i worked out more and tried to drink more water!! i dont know what to tell you all, it happens, .5lbs happen. there i said it. now upon stepping on the scale and reading those ugly red digital numbers i could have done one of two things. 1-give up, dust off the winter mu-mu, crawl under the covers with a tube of cookie dough and watch hannah montana, or 2- dust of my vest, stick out my chest and be off to the races again. i chose #2. so i walked to the bus, then up the hill to work, and have consumed twice as much water, made an effort to include more veggies and will plan on working out tonight. tonight's work out, if its still rainy i will put on the dancing with the stars salsa work out video. mock me all you want. its fun and i will fight you all during my awesome ball change if i have to.

so will i partake of the half dark half white hot chocolate with pumpkin spice added and whipped cream and cinnamon sprinkles anytime soon??? NO DICE!! will i try one of elise's peanut butter chocolate bars at her "THE OFFICE" party thursday night? yes i will, and i will save all the points i can to make that happen.

weigh in this morning. no change from last week, i weigh the exact same. this is no shock because i didn't exercise at all so it is expected, and the weekend had many cheating opportunities to which i succumbed once or twice. so i am at peace with this, but know to work on upping my exercise this week.

this week i had another chat with my friend who is trying to stay in the cage herself. we talked about the "ideal guy". we didn't see eye to eye on this. see i realized something when i started weight watchers a year ago. i realized and decided that i will never be a size 4. its just not in my making. i am working hard at losing weight, but not to be tiny. i just want to be healthy and happy. honestly just being down 2 dress sizes is a major accomplishment, so when i can fit in to regular jeans that don't involve a special clothing section in the store most of me will be happy. i have no desire to be a size 4 either. what size i want to be stems from my years of devotion to any and all rock Hudson and Doris day movies.

I love all rock Hudson and Doris day movies, they are charming, classic, funny and racey. my ideal guy and my ideal self come from one simple scene in the film "lover come back". Doris Day and Rock Hudson wake up after a night of being unknowingly intoxicated to find themselves in bed together and with a marriage license on the night stand. shocking i know. the best part of this scene is that rock Hudson is wearing his pajama pants and Doris his pajama tops. that is dramatically romantic and from my first moment seeing this, alli want is to be able to fit into the pajama tops of my ideal boy, and he in the bottoms. this isn't far-fetched or unreachable at all. i think it is very reasonable and could and will happen. even now as i am, as is, when i am looking at boys i think of this goal, would i fit in his PJ top?or would it be so tight that the buttons are strained and i look lumpy and uncomfortable instead of cute, cozy and happy. its where i draw the line. there are plenty of boys who are dreamy and charming who's pajamas are too small for me. i don't care really. how awkward and weird if i were this giant big girl next to a scrawny boy. no dice. i really don't even harbor the thought of a boy smaller than me very long, because if i cant fit into one of his PJ tops or shirts i am not interested. is that vain? harsh?weird? tell me because i find this little Doris day rock Hudson day dream to be perfectly applicable and legitimate to me.

insomnia

i used to work for the post office. i didnt deliver mail or anything, i worked in the remote encoding center reading and typing inward and outward addresses and zip codes. when i started working there the only available shift that gave me sundays off was a night shift. i would go to work at 3pm and i depending on mail volume i would get off work between 1130pm and 130am. so you can imagine that i became very nocturnal. i worked there with my bestfriend. we'd get home from work and stay up even later eating dinner, and hanging out. it got to the point of us getting to bed at 4am and waking up at noon. i know this is disgusting looking back, but at the time it worked for us. and there was a 24 hour super walmart across the street from us, so there 2am walmart runs were a tradition. this was about 2 years ago. i dont think my body has fully recovered really. i get these phases of insomnia where i am wide awake with nothing to do till about 4 am.

i have officially run out of things to do this week, during this phase of insomnia. i get this way about every other month for about a week or so. i have read all the twilight series, i have given myself full Mani's and pedi's, i have ironed all my sunday dresses, i have re-read a lot of the books on my shelf, i have read the good word, and the next lessons and reading assignments for church. i have written my missionary friends. yes i still have those even though i am almost 27 i have a few lil buddies out on missions. i have surfed the internet, watched gone with the wind. i have done everything that i can possibly due without waking my roommate. there are 2 things however that i have not done, no matter how tempted i have been. i have not done the LT or LD- the lonely text, or lonely dial. for those of you who know me this is a big deal because i really dont like to be left alone to my own thoughts. in the past when these bouts of insomnia have ensued i have called or texted boys in a moment of weakness who i have officially phased out in the past. i have yet to do this this run. and i havent wandered the kitchen out of boredom. this is another great accomplishment because boredom eating can be very bad. in my effort to work on my eating habits and figure i feel like this is a small victory because boredom eating a long with comfort eating are definite weapons from the opposition. so far this week jeddah 1, obesity 0.

private school girl

its been a week since i started my weight loss blog. i woke up this morning and was ready to face the scale as i weighed in. i had no regrets, minus a cookie or 2 last night that i ate for comfort and peace after watching britney's "come back performance" yikes! i stepped up this morning and the scale was my friend. down 2lbs. this is good. nothing major, no "4lb alisha" week or anything. but i felt rewarded and renewed to continue to count calories, each whole wheat tortillas ( which honestly goes against all that is true in the world but i am dealing with it) and keep the pedometer on. this put me in a good mood, i wrote it down in my tracker and got on the bus. i am reading a few books about weight loss also to gain more insight as i go. one of the exercises this book has me do is to try and trace my relationship with food as far back as i can. this was difficult being that every human has had a relationship with food since the womb, but i can pin point when mine became unhealthy. as a part of this exercise i want to share it all with you.

my father is a teacher at a private school in albuquerque. my older brother attended this school as well. in the middle of 5th grade my parents asked and me if i wanted to go there too. i didnt think about it and said "sure". i didnt think of how i would leave all my elementary school friends behind and honestly be alone for the 1st time in my life. so i took the 3 hour entrance test, and did the 2 interviews and was accepted. i remember how happy my parents were about it, and i really still didnt give it much thought. then the fall came, and all my friends from church and the neighborhood made their way to the bus stop, while i got in the car and rode with my dad to the albuquerque academy campus.

i would come home from school everyday starving. i was so far beyond even sight of my comfort zone going to that school that i think i was in emotional shock. i remember aching to see my dad or older brother on campus which rarely happened. i felt so very alone. the lunches there were hot meals, and they had "family style dining" which meant you sat at a table with 7 others and a teacher, assigned seats and cleared and washed the table. we had real dishes with the crest of our school on each plate. i had no choice for food, i remember i would just eat saltines. one of my teachers noticed and actually called my parents worried. i starve till i got home from school where i found my comfort zone and i would eat. i would find whatever i could that would make me feel better and accepted.

it wasnt that the school was horrible, it was just so very foreign to me. i had no one there i knew at all. i was surrounded by kids i had never met in my life while all my church friends had all gone to the same middle school. i was suddenly not accepted. i was a "teacher's kid" which meant i was there on financial aid and i was the only lds girl. i remember how shocked kids were when i told them i was one of five kids, "thats way too many brothers and sisters" they'd say. so i absorbed all this, kept locked up all day and tried to fit in. it was pointless really i mean i was surrounded by a world that is so different than my own, so full of money, bar mitzfas and debutant balls and "privilege". this all was so much for me that now looking back i can see that would eat for comfort. thats how it started. i ate away the stress and shock. and the food was there, and accepted me when others didnt. and thats when my relationship with food became unhealthy. i was using food for comfort and void-filling, and as those awkward puberty years continued and my mother's health was deteriorating drastically, the food was always there. this is starting to sound like a sob story but it isnt. its just my relationship with food.

i wouldnt change my education at the academy for anything. it is so much a part of who i am and i cherish it so dearly now. the friendships i made there are still strong, the opportunities i had through that school were endless, and the diversity i experienced is really priceless. it was those first few years of transition when i felt so lost that started this whole food drama.

so now years later, a ton of trials under my belt, comfort food is still my weakness. so i retrain myself. a good movie, a bubble bath, a crossword, a new cd- this can all be comfort. a good walk, or a good chat with a friend. all replacements for Dions pizza or chex mix. i do still have moments of weakness, but overall i can see now when i start to do it, and i can stop.

highs and lows

its just down right hilarious that the week i kick off my blog "busting a cap on fatness" Aunt Flo comes to visit. While she visits we find in her suitcases, the intense chocolate cravings, the emotional roller coaster moments, and exhaustion. Did jeddah use this as an excuse to put on the mu-mu and give up and order a "reaching stick"online so she can permanently reside on star's couch? "we're sorry your fingers are to fat to dial the intended phone number, to order a dialing wand please pound the number pad with your fist"- the simpsons. NO, it wasn't gonna be me. of course i wore the mu-mu though the other day its just so cute. I walked over 10,000steps a day, and worked really hard at drinking my 8 glasses of water. i also have kept my diet coke levels lower, limiting my intake. I will weigh myself again on monday when it has been a week to keep up with my weight watcher regimen. Highs this week........ going to olive garden and surrounded by complex carbs and dessert menus i stayed strong, ordered the minestrone soup and salad and had 3 breaksticks. i know 3 is kinda a lot, but next time you go to the "Denny's of Italian Food" my friend calls it, you try keeping your breadstick intake under 3 thank you very much. low moment of the week- the already-mentioned visit of Aunt Flo although i knew she was coming, there is no way to prepare yourself for her week of haunting and following your every move.

plus size princess

Time to update the weight loss effort, today will be bridget jones style, recapping yesterdays stats

sept 5 2007
diet coke units: 2 bottles from a 6 pack
weight: none of your business
exercise: spiritual went to institute class
weight watchers daily goals: was 2 points under the daily allotment. ah yeah

to add to the wonderment that is my blog i would like to start another tradition, which i will call "the weekly fat girl moment". lets kick it off. saturday i went with some friends up to Swiss days in midway, ut. this was a huge arts and crafts festival that also featured yodeling and deep-fried scones covered in honey. as we strolled(post scone eating) up and down the booths of frilly arts and crafts that all looked like on massive enrichment night activity i saw a costume booth. i thought, hey this could be fun, halloween is around the corner. the lady working the booth was dressed like snow white. so i approached her and asked "do you have plus size princess dresses?" to which she looked and me and made a face i couldnt understand and was kinda rude as she replied "No." and then her co-worker looked at me and said in an apologetic tone "we have plus size poodle skirts". wow, i laughed out loud. it was funny, and i said "i guess plus size girls dont get to be princesses" to which neither replied. but i can fit into a skirt that is named after a dog. it was all very comical, and yet kinda sad, i cant be a princess. eh, its ok, the only one of those princesses that has an independent thought is belle and mulan who is my favorite got shafted on the whole try outs for the varsity disney princess team. those princesses probably all wear enchanted and magical push up bras anyway.

in the cage

i have this friend who is in this seeing/hanging out with/fooling around with/gray area type situation with a boy. its all very complicated as those gray areas always are. in the midst of this dating backdrop in her life she is trying to lose a few pounds. nothing major, just like 10-20 lbs. she told me last week that this boy in her life knows her weight loss goal and in an effort to support her he told her he would not fully commit to their dating situation till she reached her weight loss goal. now people i know your first response is to dry heave in shock and disgust, please know that there is a lot more involved in their situation and it is not that simple or shallow. but when she said this, i took this fact beyond personal. and clouding my own feelings in with trying to be a supportive friend i wigged out. i said to her, "so what he is saying, is that you and i do not deserve to be loved, held, touched or happy because we are overweight!!!" and man did this cause me stress. when i moved here 3 years ago i still believed what my parents and friends told me. someday a boy would love me regardless of my size or appearance, he would love me just as i am and it will be amazing. i clung to this hope my whole adult life. this single ray of hope instilled in me by a great support circle has began to fade immensely upon my arrival to utah. was i overweight back home in new mexico?yes. did i wear control top panty hose in new mexico?yes. did i go out on dates regularly in new mexico. yes. then why is it different here? i dont know. but it frustrates me. as i have talked with friends who have loved and lost, and dated and have eaten good food too, we are at a loss. there is one common denominator in our discussion. it really must be a size thing. as often as i hear this conclusion, i clung tighter to my false hope of "one day" my liberal non-conformist high school education told me to refuse to copy everyone else and be a cookie cutter girl. i am at a loss 3 years later. i am not bitter towards utah, i am so blessed to be here, and to have gained the experiences i needed here. but i can see no other explanation as to why i collect guy friends like stamps or shot glasses and none date me. no one has seemed to notice that i have already conformed by 30 lbs of weight loss, but whatever. right now i give up, i fully will begin to conform. if it really is true, that i must be a certain size to find fun and to date, then so be it. i will eat applesauce cups and sugar free pop cycles from here on out. i will continue to exercise and be in the weight watchers "cage". i can do it, even though still part of me thinks it is sick and wrong to conform. i decided i will blog my highs and lows of this social experiment for you loyal readers. at least weekly. my own little bridget jones diary minus the alcohol unit count and f bombs. i will take my failed relationships and rejections since i've been here and use them as ammunition in my semi-automatic weapon of motivation, and i will bust a cap on obesity. i can do this, i already have been and yet even as i declare this to you i am sad. tracy turnblad and queen latifah always found happiness (moment of silence to think about kissing ll cool j like queen latifah got to) but i am at a loss, when the day is done i think i know that this must be. so regulators mount up to the show down with obesity and her best friend: friday nights with colin firth movies. i am gonna be just like sheena and blog my struggles and triumphs, but i dont have the "cahones" to document for all the world to see, my actual weigh in stats. here goes kids, and because i have shared this will all, i will have to keep it up. now i just need to get a spray tan, bleach my teeth and blonde high lights right?

one of the guys

i have three brothers, so while growing up i watched more Gi joe than my little pony. I watched football and played hotwheels. because i was raised with a lot of boys in the house i am privledged to see with in the male circle of trust i guess. i have always had a lot of friends that are guys, i have many a times been the shoulder to cry on friend listening to their dating drama. these guy friends also always asked me to set them up with my friends. i dont know how i let these "just one of the guys" type friendships form, but i realized yet again this weekend that it isnt all that fun being considered one of the guys. In fact, i really dont like it at all. I accept and have no issue with being in the friend zone with these guys, obviously if that bothered me i wouldnt let myself be in the friend zone. But there have been a few times this past month where i have been hanging out in a co-ed setting where i've realized thats what most of the boys there think of me. And so being included in the guys circle of trust means i feel like i am unseen really, transparent even. like the fact that i am a girl has become invisible. you can have guy friends who still know you are a girl and treat you like one. They can tell you all about the girls they like, but then ask in return about my dating life, they get the door on occasion when we hang out, they watch their crudeness in front of me and so on. they tell me i look nice or notice a new hair cut. i dont think i am being picky really i mean the 3 boys i grew up with treat me like this now, with respect that i am a girl. ( as kids, whole other story) so why cant all guys? and for those of you who know me, there is nothing worse than making me feel invisible.

top 5 game

time to add a few new top 5 lists to the mix, it has been a while since i have played, feel free to list your own. these are random categories and in no random order

top 5 Broadway musical soundtracks

1. wicked- kiss me too fiercely hold me too tight

2. Les mes- on my own pretending he's beside me

3. west side story- a boy like that who killed your brother forget that boy and find another

4. phantom- come we must be gone, those two fools who run my theater will be missing you

5. spamalot (funniest by far)- you wont succeed on Broadway if you don't have any Jews

top 5 football teams i am watching this fall

1. raiders, i feel like they might step up this year if they ever pick a QB

2. broncos, for my mom, they are her team

3. 49ers for my brother, his team

4. lobos, home team

5-Utah, local wicked cool team

top5 most amazing experiences of my year to date

1. having my feet in the sand and sea of both pacific and Atlantic ocean this year

2. holding my niece ruby elizabeth july 25, 2007

3. seeing a production of "wicked"

4. Holli Krishna festival with star and Wendy, dang amazing, but then its a toss up between that or using the fireman's pole at Russell m nelson's family cabin during bollywood film festival

5. hiking the Mayan ruins in Mexico

top5 movies i have seen this year, released this year

1. transformers, more than meets the eye

2. hairspray- a very fun up beat film version of the great Broadway musical

3. bourne ultimatum, which i called bourne collateral damage for like 2 weeks cause i could never remember the ultimatum part

4.stardust- robert dinero as a gay sky pirate, need i say more

5. secret movie that is my secret favorite movie of the year but wont tell unless asked, and it depends on who is asking, i refuse to be openly mocked.

Large group of women in confined spaces

Sunday mornings have always felt different to me. No matter where i have been in my adventures Sunday mornings have always seemed unique. The sky and air just feel and look softer and the sunlight is more peaceful. This morning i woke up in the middle of the buzz and bickering of all my co-workers packing up their clothes and sleeping bags. Friday morning we as a staff left Salt Lake for a retreat out by Flaming Gorge recreation area. It was supposed to be a 3 hour drive which turned into a 7 hour drive to due the error of map quest. i didn't mind at all because i was one of the 3 drivers, and my car was a pimped out Yukon with a great sound system and smooth ride. I cranked up Timberland's new Cd and put on my 7$ sunglasses ( i never pay more than 10 bucks on shades because i loose them, it never fails)
When its a car full of girls on a road trip you
usually end up talking about everything twice and boys the rest of the time. I enjoyed over analyzing boys for the whole ride up, it resulted in much contemplation about boys in my own life. Its fun to tell your boy stories and then go around the car and see how the others respond. I was left stumped this weekend when one of my friends told me that i don't really like any guy in my world right now, i just like the attention they give me. wow, that was interesting. how do you know when you really do like someone genuinely or if you just like the attention they are giving you? this was very insightful. The weekend continued on this way, girls with no make up talking about boys and past loves. Once we hit Wyoming there was an immediate liquor run, and then we slowly descended into the flaming gorge area. I have never seen water that clear before, or such a contrast in sharp color between the cerulean water and the orange flame rocks. we got to our cabins right as the thunder and lightning surrounded us. We were rained in and there was nothing left to do but team building activities. personality tests, problem solving, brain storming, team work building a bridge out of 3 pieces of paper and a few paperclips that could sustain the weight of a hot wheel as it crosses successfully, and so on. when i first pulled into the cabin i knew i would want to take a lone walk around at some point this weekend and pick some thistle flowers and climb some rocks. We went to vernal the next day to find some ancient Fremont petroglyphs which were awe striking. We hiked and climbed boulders around the old soft markings left behind as old as 1200ad. Since i was the driver i had us stop briefly at the Vernal LDS temple. i wanted to walk around and see it and just feel the different reverences between the sacred Fremont cliff markings and the peaceful grounds of the temple. We rented paddle boats that afternoon out on the lake. i am so clumsy and ended up in the lake more than the paddle boat, no surprise. i snuck out of the group around sunset and drove down to the dam to see over the edge and look down the canyon. I was impressed with the sharp colors of that canyon, the green river at the bottom and the overpowering cement wall 435feet tall above me. i have no idea how that dam harnesses power and converts it to electricity, i need to find out how that works. Anyway the day ended with fruitless fishing attempts and white wine and Malibu rum being passed around. this just caused more bickering and commotion for all of us girls who by this point were getting a little snappy and edgy toward each other. Some people wanted to fish some more today others wanted to leave 1st thing in the morning and the drama ensued. I woke up today and didn't want to be in the middle of the negativity. i put on my flip flops (shoes were soaked due to the paddle boat incident) and went for a walk. i found a bright orange rock off in the trees and took a seat. As i looked around i really could feel it was Sunday. I thought about how usually this time on Sundays i was in panty hose and a dress in church with a hymn book in my lap doodling pictures for my room mate star, because i listen better when i doodle pictures. This morning was very different, i had spent the weekend outside and was tired, a bit grumpy and was wearing soggy jeans that smelled like lake. I was still in my PJ shirt, an old Jerry rice 49er jersey i stole from my brother a few years back. It was the only shirt left that i hadn't gotten wet or sticky with melted marshmallows. I was home sick for my usual Sunday yet it was so nice to feel a mountain breeze and pick some flowers today. I love that you can feel the difference of a Sunday even in the middle of the woods. I wanted to stay and hike around. i had wanted a longer peaceful moment, but my friend started to yell "Marco" in my direction from the cabin and i had no choice but to yell "polo" and be found and go home.We loaded up the SUVs instead and headed over the dam for some photo ops, and headed home. i don't know if we team built or really made goals to make our staff stronger. i know new friendships were made, old ones tested and i also learned that a large group of women in one cabin could also be the premise for a reality show. I had a great little get away but i look forward to my usual peaceful Sunday this week.

tangled web of dreams

Some people suffer from reoccurring dreams, i have heard of this often actually. i have a friend who has this horrible nightmare of a tornado that rips her home into tiny pieces, and she has had this dream over and over again. i have never had the same dream more than once. i dream every night. i can remember most of them too. they are usually completely random like hiking the La Luz trail with my 10th grade algebra teacher, the guy at jiffy lube and the stay puffed marshmallow man. I often dream about what i am worrying about while i am awake, school, work, boys. No matter what my dreams include whether it be me and star in a submarine at the battle of gettysburg or my little brother wearing a hockey mask in sacrament meeting my dreams always incorporate spiders. It is really weird. Spiders appear in one way or another. One might run across the screen of my dream, or i might come across one in a web some how, or i might find one on my lap while i am flying an F-16 to idaho. There is no theme or method. i am not irrationally afraid of spiders at all. Not that i like to share a shower or a bed with one. I am irrationally afraid of cockroaches and just the mention of them now has made me take my feet of the floor. Spiders i can bear. But why do they continue to show up in most of my dreams? what does this mean? there has to be some symbolism behind that somehow right? i have tried to find interpretations online but the good dream web sites cost something or involve voldermort's magic and are dark and twisted. There just has to be a reason behind it. i have no particular interest in them as a species, nor do i harbor any unhealthy attachment to them or men bitten by radio active ones. Tarantulas, black widows, giant spiders like that of "THE IT" or the ones that almost get frodo, the venezuelan ones that suck blood like in "ARACHNOPHOBIA", they have all made cameos in my dreams. so tell me what does this represent? what is my subconscious saying to me? cause i can't figure it out and am left puzzled, no tangled in a web of my dreams. that was total cheese i know.

the FZ

the friend zone. my friend samantha calls it the death zone. I have come to realize that in the world/game of dating there is a small window of oppritunity between and girl and a guy to date before one or the other is put in the friend zone. I myself have both been put in the FZ ( many a times) and put a few in the FZ. it is a dangerous dance, the interaction before the FZ catigory is applicable to the relationship. I have come to realize that this window of oppritunity is very slim, like when you barely crack the bathroom window after a shower to let the steam out, that tiny. from what i have seen and observed, it is within the 1st few interactions in small hang out situations where the destination is decided by either the boy or the girl. friend zone or date zone. it sounds severe i know but from what i have seen this is true. One of my guy friends told me that there is no friend zone with men, merely a ladder, where a girl can climb up or down, up being a dating level down being a friend level. From what i have seen and felt tis not so. With in weeks of group hang outs a guy (or girl) will catagorize the other in their mind into or out of the friend zone. I think climbing out of the friend zone is a rarity as well. I dont think the friend zone is death really like sam says. Its not pure rejection to be put there. The guy or girl still values you somewhat enough to want to talk and intereact with you, just not in a romantic way. Now girls who secretly harbor false hope always just slowly damage themselves if they try to remain friends but still have romantic feelings for this boy. It is a slow painful torture as we kid ourselves with this false hope into thinking "someday this boy will come around and i will fly out of the friend zone like a bat out of hell." No dice. and i am sure it is the same way with guys as well. Actually i dont really know. When the day is done, and the dating dust settles, you gotta decide if its worth being in the friend zone at all, if thats no where ideally you'd like to be. I have learned in my experience that if you like a guy, and it isnt reciprocated, it isnt the best idea to be in the FZ. It is best to cut chords and see what else is out there. i have learned this through trial and error believe me. There comes a point in a girls world and soul when she has enough guy friends, and doesnt need anymore to add to her collection. I dare say it is worth the risk ladies to give the guy a green light, if he doesn't go for it, and jump on the oppritunity to date ya, then honey you gotta be honest with yourself. (and this works for boys too i'd assume) come to terms with the fact that he just isnt that into you. Embrace the learning oppritunity, put on your vest and stick out your chest and be off to the races again(newsies). If you are stuck in the FZ and dont want to be, then this other person hasnt realized the amazingness that is you, and most likely wont. So dust it off, remember you're worth it and let go. It can be a fun roller coaster ride the FZ, but sooner or later a girl wants to get off the kiddy train and head to space mountain.

Jeddah lost the battle of the sexes anyway

So the battle of the sexes continued today at work. I thought i was tough with my football list, even though kev wouldnt accept my brother as one and i had to come up a new #10. So he struggled with broadway shows but eventually got 10. It was my turn again. 10 pro basketball players, i had to stretch with that one listing some old school, larry bird and what not. he then had to name 10 beauty and fashion magazines. he pulled through though i think he texted a friend. i had to list 10 different guns. i thought i would get him with 10 super models, but didnt think that one through, he smoked that one. 10 muscle cars for me. 10 shampoo brands for him. I was left to name 10 pro golfers. bob barker and jack nichelson dont count i guess. i lost. I dont really care that i dont know 10 golfers, because any game that involves hushed tones and reverant clapping is of no value to me. if only he had asked me to name 10 death metal bands or something about butt rock but no, it was golf that killed me. i would have died anyway because college football mascots would have been his next catigory.

jeddah's football roster

ok so the other day i got in a heated debate with this guy about football. he thought i couldnt list 10 current or relatively recent famous football players. i started to list them, with no hesitation but the list was cut off by a pressing phone call. KEV this list is for you, with no help from a boy, or the internet here are some football players i can think of off the top of my head. and there are 10, so there. i did it. now you have to list 10 recent broadway musicals. step up kevin! anyway i am not saying this is by any means my fantasy football team at all (but for real my bro would be on my fantasy team, and there would be no hate in the world, and no skanky-clad cheerleaders on my fantasy team, and prince wouldnt ever do half time, and the consessions stands would be really cheap, everything would be 50cents on fridays.) but this is who i could list randomly off the top of my head. correct me if i am wrong unless you are kevin.

1.terrell owens- now with the cowboys, the big TO (drug overdose acciedent or no?)


2.Lamont jordan-raider nation RB


3.alex smith-that one is easy he's from UofU


4.tom brady- new england patriots, 3 superbowl wins, and he's dreamy



5.Bret farve- go cheese heads, #4


6.jeff otis-raider nation QB

7.Quincy black- LOBO drafted for the bucs! go cherry silver and white

8.Jerry rice dancing with the stars, 49ers, raiders, a well rounded man

9. Bo Jackson played for the raiders and some baseball too, heisman winner

10. my brother erni carrell SHS football 2001-2003 MVP 2003 #89 (by far the cutest and funniest of all of these buff players listed, he also enjoys feeding the homeless and helping stray cats find shelter and love, enjoys x box and a heineken on a saturday night)

so all i can say is step up k-fed

the boy box

its an old sketcher shoe box that has black and yellow stripes. i couldnt tell you what happened to the shoes that came with it, or when i even wore those shoes last. i bought those shoes back in high school, i must have been sixteen. ten years later and i still have this box, on a shelf in my room. For the first time in months i took it off the shelf and opened it up.
i was driving home tonight with my friend crystal when a song came on the radio. Do you ever hear a song that instantly takes you to a memory? No matter how much time has gone by, or what words were said or remained unsaid, you dont even have a conscience choice, you automatically think of someone. It has been a year since i've seen him, and there have been a few dates and a relationship since him.i am sitting in the passanger seat heading south on 7th east and its drizzling outside the car window, the AC is too cold but no one does anything about it. this song comes on, and even though i am over him, and really happy in my life i am forced to think of him. I remember driving in his car late at night in taylorsville, cranking up this song and he and i belting out the words to each other. i can remember what shirt he had on, and that he has a mountain dew in his hand. he was taking me home far later than he should have. he was making me laugh, and we both didnt want the night to end. it was such a vivid memory i could almost touch it.my friend driving wakes me up out of the funk that this song has put me in to ask me about our plans this weekend.
Why do songs do that? where does that power come from to control or alter our mood with a few chords and lyrics? honestly he hasnt crossed my mind in a while, till the song. Now here i am dusting of my sketchers boy box trying to find more memories.
Its kind of cheesy and sentimental of me, but in my boy box i have trinkets and reminders of boys who have changed my life in one way or another. Dried flowers from high school dances, ticket stubs to a lenny kravtz concert, letters from a few boys while on their mormon missions. birthday cards and notes passed in seminary. a stuffed animal i won on my very first date, playing ski ball. a key chain from paris a boy brought back for me. pictures, and pressed flowers from dates. a necklace, a few mix cds made for me. movie ticket stubs. postcards. a baseball cap and 2 t shirts given to me. a few games of mash i liked and kept in highschool, which are now just too funny. its not much really, i mean i can fit it all tightly in a big shoe box. i have seen friends with much larger and more intricate boy boxes. i like mine. it suits me. it has just enough experience in it to get me where me and my self esteem are today. i pick up the one of the t shirts, and zone out again. He had given it to me, i dont even remember why, we were in his room and watching the simpsons. it was from his basic training and he had kept it clean in his top drawer. he never wore it. he gave it to me. i unfold it, and smile at his last name written in the collar. i am in such a good place emotionally now, not when he gave me this shirt, and not when we jammed out to that song. i put it up to my nose to see if his cologne still lingers there. a hint really not much. i take it as a good sign that i am not missing him really, just remembering.
Most of you know how much i have grown and how strong that boy and ending it with him has made me. you know who i am talking about with out even having to say his name. i smile as i fold the shirt back up and put in the box. I wonder what he would think if he could see me now and who i am and how i rely more on my faith because of what he and i went through. i am pleased that song came on tonight. I reaffirmed with in myself that i have those memories any time i want them, and thats all of him i need. thats really all i need from any of those boys in my boy box, the memories and old adventures. I think each trinket is a bit of who i am and who has changed my life for the better. i wouldnt give any of it back, not even the spider man pez dispenser. its funny how a song in passing can open you up to places you havent visited inside you in a while. i love how songs have that power, just like dried flowers and valentines to remind you who you are, and who has contributed to what you are becoming.